if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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