My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
