One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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