is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
and she was petting her beer can
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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