seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
