i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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