then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
