i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
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