Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
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