I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
