5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
being pregnant is like rehab
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
