did you get engaged???
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Randomize
