If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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