You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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