mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.