I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
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the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
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I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.