there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
These 23 People Had Crazy Sex With Complete Strangers
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
23 Medical Examiners Reveal The Most Disturbing Causes Of Death They’ve Seen
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home