I just made out with a guy for $7.
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Randomize
