I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
