I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Randomize
