Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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