Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
