It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
