Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
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I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
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Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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