Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
