My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Randomize
