Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
you made out with another girl for some wings
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
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