just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
