i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
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