i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
