Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
