between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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