She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
