So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
