I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Randomize
