bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
