Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Randomize
