There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
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