I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
