I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
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