so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
