Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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