She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
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Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
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EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
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