so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
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I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
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All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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