They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
