Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
