it hurts more in the daytime
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
What changed your mind?
Being sober
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
