If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
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