Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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