somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
