the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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