the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
