"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Randomize
