Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
