Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
