Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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