John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize
