god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
