you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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